Among fantasy, and Dungeons and Dragons specifically, goblins have played a simple role. Namely, they’re fodder for fledgling adventurers to cut through. They are the mean, crude, destructive little creatures and most common folk would be far happier without them. And yet, there’s a strong appeal to them. A sort of mischievousness is implicit in them. Whether you’re a player, dungeon master, or a fantasy writer, read on. Learn what it really means to play a goblin. Because if you’re not killing it, you’re not playing it to the hilt!
The lifestyles of goblins are very telling. Whoever’s on top calls the shots, everyone else below him is subservient at best or a slave at worst. The hierarchy is fairly simple. The weakest class, the pariahs, are on the bottom and do menial tasks. They have the least respect and are little more than slaves who clean and mine. Gatherers are next. Their role is to supply food with their simplistic farming, foraging, and stealing from others. They get to bully pariahs. Third are the hunters. If they have even modest skill with a weapon, they can fight. That’s all it really takes to become one, however, they are expected to stand and fight when the time calls for it. The top of the totem pole is occupied by the lashers. Lashers are any goblins who can perform a spell. Any spell is fine. Any magic is fine. Alternatively, a goblin with a broad range of skills, such as smelting, strategy, theology, etc, can also claim status as a lasher. The only one higher than a lasher is a boss. Most often this is simply a highly experienced veteran of combat or a master strategist, at least by goblin standards. If you came from a goblin tribe, and it’s likely you did, deciding which caste you were a part of and why you left answers several questions. But why leave the relatively good life of a lasher? Status symbols. Goblins love symbols of their status. An exotic beast, a magic item, etc. Anything that let’s you lord over others. Everyone else, especially the pariahs, would jump at the chance to leave their life behind to gather slaves and power. You might be resentful of the treatment you’ve experienced and think you’re better off on your own. No matter which caste you came from, try to fawn over the strongest looking party member and berate NPCs who seem timid. Additionally, consider having some reverence for the spellcasters. A monk, however, should absolutely baffle you. They don’t look as strong, eat a strange diet, and go unarmed. Yet somehow, they strike with a force rivaling and even surpassing weaponry. It makes no sense! Then again, neither does magic, leaving you back at square one. Placate the strong and punish the weak. That is the life of a goblin.
Now, let’s get into the good stuff: mischief. Goblins are well known for tormenting other creatures. Found a halfling in the road? Offer him safe passage, if he tries your pie. Sure it’s a mud pie, but you won’t tell him that. Make him eat the whole thing, it’ll be a great way to kill time. See a kid getting bullied? Offer to teach him “booyahg” (goblin magic) so he can get his revenge. Now you’ve got back-to-back beat downs to watch that afternoon, because you didn’t really teach him anything. Want a steady income? Be a ratcatcher. Kill all those nasty rats in town. Nevermind that you let them lose yourself, you got to be cruel to two entities at once! The townsfolk and the rats! As a player, you’ll have to be careful about how far you go. Bullying is a sensitive subject. Balance it between being mean, funny, and harmless. Shave a familiar’s fur or ranger’s pet so it says “goblin wuz heer”. If they ask you to fix it, finish shaving the pet completely. All better! Alternatively, add crudely written, nonsensical books to the wizard’s or cleric’s library without telling them. Their confused expressions will be priceless. Strive for “funny” more than anything else, but never, ever go too far or do anything causing harm. Other than that, have fun!
Finally, the mindset of the goblin. Goblins are very aware of how weak they are. Because their own deity was beaten by another, because they too are bullied by bigger creatures, and because magic is so distantly beyond their reach, goblins are frequently resentful. That’s why they cherish being in charge and why they harass creatures beneath them. Their lives are largely short-lived, miserable experiences. They eke out whatever fun they can, whenever they can. This pitiable train of thought can be shown through enthusiasm, strangely enough. Be the first to suggest drinking and other leisurely activities when in town. Focus on gambling, carousing, and criminal activities with your downtime. Balking at an honest day’s work and cutting corners to get a job finished is a plausible way to support this. Your other reasons for adventuring might stem from this. A fool and his money are soon parted, after all. But, don’t rule out such things completely. Do constructive things when you want to emphasize either a change in your goblin’s perspective or when you’re preparing for a particularly dangerous adventure. That way it means something, since you established living large was valuable and have now found something truly more valuable.
Goblins live in a world that rises far above them. This world seems insurmountably tall with creatures just as big. Though they are small and very, very angry about their status, they can also have a playful side, albeit a cruel one. Goblins aren’t only their anger. Their need to cause a ruckus and enjoy the fun things in life can add a facet of carpe diem to your game. Keeping it in check might be another matter, but that’s also part of the fun. So the next time you think about a character and you see a goblin, remember this post. Because if you’re not killing it, you’re not playing it to the hilt!
-The Clark Side