Amongst the history of film, there are numerous fantasy icons and classics. The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Harry Potter, Jason and the Argonauts, Conan the Barbarian, the Wizard of Oz. The list goes on. Among gaming, Dungeons and Dragons is the king of fantasy. Naturally, its many imaginative locations and creatures would be a perfect fit for a fantasy feature with a thrilling narrative. You would think so, but it’s much more likely your own home campaign has a better story than the first Dungeons and Dragons movie. The reasons are numerous and detailed below.

The story begins with the main antagonist, Mage Profion (played by Jeremy Irons), attempting to make a rod that controls red dragons. He needs it specifically to challenge the empress, Savnia (Thora Birch), as she has a rod to control gold dragons. When his efforts fail, he starts two plots in motion. The first one is to steal a map that would eventually lead him to a completed rod. He sends his right-hand man, Damodar (Bruce Payne), to handle that. The second plan is to use his own political influence to force the empress to give up her rod, which he attends to himself. Meanwhile, the empress wants to give rights to commoners out of moral compassion. Currently, magicians are first class citizens while everybody else is second class. You’d might expect Savina to be the main character, but no, she is not. The main characters are Ridley (Justin Whalin) and Snails (Marlon Wayans). Both are thieves who decide the fast track to a better life is to steal from a mage school. They just so happen to break in while Damodar is looking for the scroll. They then make an escape with a lowly assistant mage, Marina (Zoe MacLellan), and stumble upon a surly dwarf just sitting in some garbage. I don’t actually remember hearing the dwarf’s name, but apparently it’s Elwood (Lee Arenberg). In the interest of not going into too many spoilers, I won’t divulge too much of what else happens. Not that it matters too much, though. The movie starts strong enough, lulls after the middle, and wants to have an epic climax, but is ultimately boring. This is only partially due to the atrocious CGI. It looks closer to a made-for-TV movie in that regard. The practical effects at least look like effort was put into them. The sets are passable, if not good. You can tell they had fun with the dungeons and traps because of the quality and thought shines through. That’s about where the positives end.

The negatives of this movie give me mixed feelings. They really wanted an epic, sweeping story about low class and high class citizens setting their differences aside to bring about equality. Too much, in fact. The story is too split between the empress, villains, and Ridley and his sidekicks. It needed more focus on the main party and less focus on the longwinded, self-righteous speeches of the empress and Profion. It wastes an entire five to ten minutes that could probably have been used on Marina and Elwood. Those two needed it, because they’re basically useless. The most interesting characters are Damodar, Profion, and Snails. Profion might be a menacing villain, but when Damodar actually did something right, Profion honored the bargain they made. He’s evil, but he’s at least somewhat trustworthy. Damodar is a man of few words and stern countenance. Snails is utterly cowardly, mildly amusing, but still loyal to his friends when it counts. Ridley and Marina’s contentious relationship about high class and low class people getting along is tedious at best and frustrating at worst. It just feels childish. It would have been better if each had been trying to prove their skills were useful or better than the others. Then they slowly started learning and using each other’s skills (or tactics, at least), then that could have given them a proper chance to shine and emphasize the point that non-magical and magical skills are both approximately equal. But they didn’t do that. To make matters worse, the acting is all over the place. To their credit, everyone seems like they’re giving it their all. Jeremy Irons’ performance as Profion was the best. He hams it up, going from personable politician to half-mad maniac very well. Bruce Payne portrays the cold pain of Damodar adequately. Marlon Wayans seems like he was basically being himself, just cowardly. Which draws attention to the next issues: the dialog. None of the lines are written naturally and it hurts the rest of the actors’ performances. It’s an issues with the Star War prequels. Many of the actors just aren’t comfortable saying their lines, so they come across as wooden and stilted. They try so hard to take it seriously, though! However, you can only do so much with what you’re given. But the worst offense of all is the bland, uninspiring musical scores. It is the most generic garbage you have ever heard (so far) and be thankful you’ll forget about it after it’s over. In one ear and out the other.

With this many flaws, can anyone honestly say this is a good movie? No. This is a pretty bad movie. Is the Dungeons and Dragons movie a good guilty pleasure? Yes. Nobody remembers the phrase “guilty pleasure” anymore. A movie doesn’t have to be good for you to like it. Look at its flaws and think about if you were entertained. If you find yourself rewatching it, despite being bad, you probably have a guilty pleasure. That’s fine. So what do I rate the movie overall? A D+, or a C- if I’m being generous. It’s a perfectly harmless flick to watch on a rainy day or to have as background noise. Enjoy it however you like, because I’ve seen fit to spare it from my cutting words.

-The Clark Side